I’m no misogynist, but . . . LOL. Wait for it, I got a better “but” than most.
– white women killed me.
I’m no misogynist, no woman hater. I wish I could tell you some other demographic destroyed me, I don’t want to be hurting the feminist cause. I hope I’m a rare friendly fire incident, but that’s who’s killed me. Don’t deny my truth.
Stupid, blind, white women, the same sort as more than half of which voted for Trump in America and bloody Harper here at home. Same bunch of “I feel safer six feet off the ground in my SUV” soccer moms that don’t want to think about Big Oil conspiracies or poorer people in their little economy cars who can’t see around them and feel less safe every time another one comes onto the road. They said I shouldn’t worry abut politics and Trump, and how related are “don’t worry about the monster” and voting for him? World-blind white women don’t seem to give a shit about anything beyond their own fence, do they?
Or for some of the things within their fences too, like I used to be.
The authoritarian aspects don’t end there, either.
I’m an odd little fellow, and I need to see everything differently, and I didn’t like the childrearing practised on my and my generation, so I determined, about the time of the arrival of my first daughter into the world, that we would be a no punishment household. That seemed to work out, seemed amazing, we seemed to have almost no issues of authority, no bad behaviour. About the time the younger one graduated high school, I got in trouble, a midlife crisis –
– and those white women reverted to punishment with me.
Ultimatums and consequences, shunning for disobedience . . . everything I had disavowed for them, every sort of coercion my daughters were never subjected to. These white women trumped up charges like they were afraid of me, like they had no choice but to punish me for their safety, so they could abandon me in the very middle of my crisis and mark me as an abuser or something, just to make sure no-one else could ever love me again. My white women. Just like the white crowd of both sexes, threat is all they see. I am non-violent, always have been, I write about it all day long, and I fought my ex to raise my girls with none of it, twenty some years – but this is not my record, not an achievement or a statement of who I am, no. To these terrified white idiots, all they see is I haven’t beaten them for twenty years, so they think they have twenty years’ worth coming or something. They assume I have twenty years of rage built up. Well, they also assume something in my childhood, so really, it’s fifty-some years of my rage they’re afraid of.
Just imagine if I had lived a hundred years of non-violence and preaching about it. Then I’d be twice as dangerous again, and deserve my shunning doubly, right?
That’s why they had to abandon, accuse, and shun me in the middle of a breakdown, that’s why I see no way forward now or ever and do not expect to survive for long and that’s just too fucking bad, so sad, because some white women have guilt and irrational fears. Haven’t I learned yet, and will I never, that my feelings, all the way to suicide and beyond will never matter if some white woman is having any feeling at all? Men rule this world, so fuck your feelings, Jeff.
Fifty-seven years so far of that.
Especially if I’d had abuse in my early years, right? Then I’m sure to be a time bomb and deserve whatever is necessary, as a precaution, of course. This is psychology to me now: if anything happened to you before, then this is you, making it happen again. You can’t tell me I’m neglecting you now, because your mother did it first. This is psychology in the hands of someone looking for an excuse, someone just looking for a way out of the conversation.
And, yes, that’s all I wanted, a conversation.
White women did this to me so they wouldn’t have to talk to me. Still today, these are my crimes, you SAID this you said THAT, why would you say THAT?
Because I thought you were my friends, my loved ones. I need to talk. It all went away when you all stopped talking to me, and when I complained, no-one is talking to me, you dropped me. Shut up or get out, old time authoritarian bullshit from my own women. I disavow loyalty, I think loyalty is the opposite of morality, so I don’t like to use the word “betrayal.” Maybe if I can make a distinction, that it’s not a betrayal of my person, but of my strivings, my goals, only of everything that matters to me.
White women, in my experience, are miserable authoritarians.
July 11th., 2018