Darkest Before the Dawn

I must think that old saw is true, because I think that’s my plan. I’m turning over all the ugliest rocks, looking for the very darkest place apparently, because it must be my core belief that there is no dawn except just beyond it.

This blog, this train of thought is at a standstill at the moment. I’m researching, reading that nasty old textbook “The Evolution of War,” and the good news is I give it fifty-fifty that that the ultimate darkness I’m looking for is in there. As dark as I find my own inner life, I am forever an adorable child: Chapter Five is Cannibalism and War. I really hope it gets better after that. That was tough. I wanna tell you about it, but I need to process, finish the book, maybe restart.

That’s my inner life, a huge part of it, and so it’s personal. On a more personal level, though, maybe the darkest bit of that is here too. Perhaps you’ve seen me trying to understand my life, relitigating specific traumatic arguments from my recent life, trying to interpret it in terms of feminism, or my own gender liberation . . . in the most recent personal blogs, maybe smarter folks than me have already seen it . . .

I’ve been to the doctor’s, something going on, I exercise and feel awful, I’m napping all the time . . . bloodwork and all, doctor’s found nothing, wants to treat my depression. I think the realization has been coming, I think this fatigue settled in when I began to see it, and a few weeks ago, an online friend helped me find the word for it. I have no powerful psychopath in my story, no single, sick clever manipulator . . .

. . . that’s why it’s taken so long to put it together that I am a victim of narcissistic abuse.

I’ll be processing that for a while.

No one bad guy, a team effort of sorts, but I’ve been doing what a victim does, leaving all the power in the hands of the abuser, trying to find a solution within myself, or begging the abuser to understand and save me instead of what they are engaged in. Plus of course, probably ignoring the abuser’s other victims. The narcissistic abuser requires all of everyone’s attention.

Those squeaky wheels will get no more grease from me for the time being.

The fatigue is first and foremost mental, intellectual. I can barely read, let alone write. My apologies if anyone is waiting, I got nothing cooking.

Take care, everyone, and thanks for reading

 

Jeff

Aug. 6th.,  2018

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10 thoughts on “Darkest Before the Dawn

  1. Phoebe Sparrow Wagner August 6, 2018 / 10:19 pm

    I’m sorry your view of life is so…depressing. It does get better, or can, I know this for a fact, but it is impossible to assure anyone who is down that the up will return so let me just say, I hear you. I’m here.

    Love,

    Phoebe

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Jeff/neighsayer August 7, 2018 / 8:47 am

    thanks, Phoebe. It’s just . . . I think is gonna be bottom. I don’t get on with too many, I don’t have a lot of friends and my girls were most of them. Nearly everyone has denied who I am, who I’ve been, what I feel, what I’ve done . . . when they’re all telling you yourself and your life apparently never happened or it happened to someone else . . . I need a word for that, and this is close, at least, what is it, NAS, Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome? My person has been so thoroughly invalidated, my reality completely dismissed . . . so that’s the sort of word fits, isn’t it? I know it’s an awful sort of thing to put out there about the people in your life, a horrible sort of accusation . . .

    Like

    • Scarlett August 8, 2018 / 11:02 pm

      I agree with Pheobe, in that it’s difficult to actually show how it gets better/can do. A lot of what I have written over the last couple of years has been an attempt to give other people an idea of how to get what I am having but I’m a shabby teacher at best.

      N.A.S. seems a fair thing to call what was done to you, but I think you have to, you can’t keep deferring or putting your own person behind them in the forgiveness cue. To get over depression and that feeling of personal pointlessness you do have to forgive yourself not really for your shortcomings but for the damage you’ve let happen to you. We self harm when we are invalidated, we take that on and it’s corrosive to any sense of worth. You have to cut that out, at least you tried is a good place to start most people try to change things with a thumbs up and that’s the sum of it.

      You lived your convictions and also took the full force of that turned on you. People talk about brave all the time and the have utterly no idea what it means, you do though, there’s a big arse plus right there. Hope you’re well. M

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jeff/neighsayer August 10, 2018 / 9:29 pm

        I keep trying to answer . . . thanks, M. I’m not trying to defend my depression, or I’m trying not to

        Like

        • Scarlett August 17, 2018 / 8:17 pm

          Don’t worry about it, I often feel that way. Do what you need to do, say what you need to even if it sounds uncomfortable or odd, not saying you do it’s more that helped me get the black dog to heel.

          Like

      • Jeff/neighsayer August 12, 2018 / 10:12 pm

        Hey, M., do you remember Tommy Tooter? I’ve got her on Twitter, just trying to remember if we all got along . . .

        Like

        • Scarlett August 17, 2018 / 8:21 pm

          Yes I do, she was one of the great writers/people at thoughts. Say hi for me, I ditched my social media this year, the funny thing about twitter is that immediately some chick picked up my user name and a few friends started chatting to her thinking it was me. Hows things?

          Liked by 1 person

          • Jeff/neighsayer August 23, 2018 / 3:16 pm

            just got back from a week in the Yukon with my oldest and dearest friend, the fellow who introduced me to the online life, starting at Minekey. It’s an annual horseshoes tournament and party on the weekend. Western North America is burning and there is no sky. Cooling a tad, though. I was hoping for an hallucinogen fuelled reset of myself and my mind, but the drugs were weak. I’m feeling the same, holding pattern. You good?

            Liked by 1 person

            • Scarlett August 29, 2018 / 3:05 pm

              Sounds like you had quite an adventure! Though I’m not sure what a horseshoe tournament is? It’s heating up here gradually, the wattle is out but the nights are still very cold. I got sick and had a huge amount of work arrive at the same time, sorry for the late reply. Otherwise I’m good yes.

              The holding pattern will stay that way for a while I felt that way for a long time, keep your chin up. Last new years I was offered a ‘special’ trip cocktail but I had to drive a long way the morning after so I declined, I wish I hadden’t now, when I got home all I did was read and sleep.

              What’s Tommy up to these days? I keep looking for a thoughts like blogsite but nothing out there is anything close. sigh.

              M

              Liked by 1 person

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